I wrote nearly three thousand words to my future self eleven years from now. Ok, it’s beginning to sound a bit more odd. It feels a bit more odd. In my writing, I had questions. So many questions, but the one most prevalent on my mind and the paper was whether I had attained the ability to love myself.
This penultimate question is the one I most need answered. Only I can answer this question. So I asked my Future Self. I realize the inherent problem of an answer coming back to me, being less than slim, will have to be dealt with in some manner.
Something happened on the way to doing some household chores. An incredible feeling of “self” came to me. A clarity of sorts. Nothing specific, in fact, nothing more than the wall in front of me in the bathroom. Yet I felt like I knew a bit more about myself. I felt more connected to who I am than I have in years, possibly decades.
Inexplicable. All I knew was that I had to get back to my computer and write. I knew I was alright and that all I need do is move forward. This is not an intellectual, knowledge based event. The sense of connection and hope is nothing more than a feeling.
I will be alright. Writing a poem right now is on my brain. Don’t know where it will go, but I’m in a go-with-the-flow-mood…
Candid Conversations With My Future Self
You sit there, with wiser eyes
Do you see me, wilted and crying?
Do you feel my pain,
Or has memory dissipated into the eddies of time?
Do you own a smile, even a smirk for me?
Will I ever learn to love myself?
I am a good person, I just have too big a heart.
Why is that always held against me?
Is there no one who desires emotional honesty?
Would I recognize emotional honesty if I felt it?
Have I lost, forever, that special person I know I am?
Why do I need others to prove to myself I am good?
You possess some of my answers, I know you do.
Ok, I trust you do. I trust I’ve moved forward in life
Search for connection follows life’s distractions too often
When, instead, discovery should lead more than it does.
I walk, I breathe, I see, I feel, I sigh.
This moment sends fingers over a keyboard
Comfort-laden peace from a fast-paced world.
Isn’t it good to be alive enough to speak to your Future?
Just writing to you lends me the sense I can accomplish anything.
Odd how I don’t know this without you.
I want to make you proud of me.
Isn’t the truth that I should be proud of me?
I’m coming back often, I promise.
I’m sure I’ll have to remind you to read this.
I’ll forget along the way.
I’m counting on you to want to remember.
Keep visiting with me. I need you.
Deja vu feelings pour through my body and
I like to think they’re you, reaching back.
The breath of life is sweet, is it not?
What is oppressive in life? Truly?
Death? What the heck! Who can stop it?
Why play in the world of that future moment
When now is all we ever have?
No disrespect intended.
Hey, you’re closer to it than I! lol!
I enjoyed our time together today.
Let’s do it again. Maybe I’ll find that love yet…