I knew this time would come. The hopeless void of heart-pained sobs. The hollow feeling of absence – absence of someone taken for granted all too often. I tried no be a good father. I worked hard to do what I always thought best. The times I failed strike mortal death blows to my heart, significantly less painful than the knowledge my little girl has flown away into her life.
I seldom write from this depth of pain and loneliness believe it or not. God I love my daughter. Why do children have to grow up? The question is rhetorical, so please don’t attempt to answer. I am far too aware of the answers. I just want the pain of knowing she is gone to go away.
Yes, I know, it’s only college – over half a continent away. My sweet chaotic daughter grew up. She’s shown a boldness of which I can only stand proud. Yet, the father in me cannot handle the intense sadness that engulfs me, as, at this very moment, she nears her flight’s release a few thousand miles away.
How my soul misses her. I wish for my daughter the strength to kick the world’s ass when it needs it, the gumption to seize her dreams, and the knowledge that no one will ever love her more than I. No one could. That’s my opinion and in her vernacular – that’s all that counts…
Things I Wish I’d Said…
Your bed is empty,
Floor devoid of chaotic clutter,
Walls barren but for remnants of your presence
Now 30,000 feet high and a lifetime away…
How could you go?
How could you not be here to ride bikes?
How could I not have told you a thousand more times:
You’re special. I love you. I like you. You have my heart.
The void cannot be filled.
I know all the intellectual crap about moving on
I hurt. I miss all the times we had together.
I regret all those times we didn’t possess.
How will I recover?
How does life go on?
I never knew how much I relied on you
Now I know.
I wish I’d told you more how proud I am
I wish I’d told you more how priceless you are
I wish I’d told you how undone I’d be when you’re gone
Strength facades suck the life out of expression.
I wish I could calm your fears.
I desire you to step into your life
Revel in your freedom
but know a 220 pound piece of me weeps.
I will grow through this.
I will come to know the woman
I will come to know the intellect
But I will never forget my little girl
Things I wish I’d said?
Far too many to ever count.
I cannot fathom how so many were left unspoken
I suppose life gets too full for words – they’d never measure up to what I feel anyway…