Random thoughts fire through my brain constantly.

What’s that? That happens to everyone?

Ok, Random thoughts fire through my brain constantly and I am dedicated to writing them down. Sharing them. OK?

A couple things camped out “top-of-mind” here of late. One thought is this: Why do we pay for dating sites rather than use our own sites and social media? It seems like you would meet people more in your life rhythm. Yeah, I get that you might then attract the crazies to your personal sites and media. But you could block and report them and move on. From what I’ve heard on the dating sites, there’s some real wackoes doing stupid things… Those reports mostly come to me through women who tell of men (apparently lots of them) who send them pictures of their, well, uh, you know…

But lets not let women off the hook. For all the men whose vulgarities ruin our gender for the rest of us, there’s the demanding women who tell you what mold you must fill and how to fill it to simply talk to them. I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in being the best “me” I can be, not the best “crafted me” by someone who does not even know me.

A couple days ago a woman messaged me the lame and sure-to-not-get-a-response-from-me “Hey there!” I get it. Some people are timid. Hell, I can be timid. I am simply not interested. Yet I still look at their profile, and yes, their picture. This particular profile seemed interesting so I broke my rule of not answering the “Hey there!” lameness. I replied in kind with a simple “Hello!”

Her response? She stated: “Really? Hello? That’s it?” I must interject at this point my immediate reaction. One: Her ego is far too inflated. Two: She’s the one who showed interest in me. I’m just giving her opportunity to speak. Boy, did she ever. I responded with an apology which stated I don’t typically respond to “Hey there!” but she seemed interesting so I said hello. This woman went on to bash me and unload a whole shit-ton of pent up anger. The most comical aspect of all this? In her profile she stated how extremely laid back she is! LOL!

SO, men are vulgar and women are angry and controlling. But no, not all men are that base and not all women are that whack. But the numbers in both categories are disconcerting. Makes me wonder if I really desire a woman in my life… I may be better off alone…

 

Ayesha.

My “Midnight in Her Heart” friend. I miss her. Life is such a crazy thing. I met this wonderful woman online over a decade ago (hmm, a bit of a tie-in to the above online dating thing…). We became fast friends. I admire her intelligence, her wisdom, her loving, gentle spirit and her dedication to make this world a better place. I suppose, in a real sense, I fell in love with Ayesha. I’ve never spoken with her. Simply texts in FB messages or blog comments. She is of Pakistani descent and lives/lived in London. Somehow, life washed over us and she was swept one way and I another.

There’s no FB page visible now. No, I did not do anything stalker-ish. If anything, I was quite silent. I am not one to intrude. The point? Where’s the point here? Oh yeah, I miss her.

Ayesha, over the years, got me through so much without ever knowing she’d done a thing. The fact she loves my writing, a complete stranger with high intellect and wisdom, helped me in my darker moments of self-doubt. I could write something from my heart and she would comment. In fact, I’ve written a book, a collection of my writings and her comments and I’ve dedicated the entire work to her.

But now, now when I am most able and free to connect with her, she’s become a ghost. A phantom. A cherished memory which grows more bittersweet every day. Time is cruel. Distance can be cruel. I suppose I must resign myself to her suggestion of Keats’ “Grecian Urn.”  Talk about bittersweet. Look it up sometime. I understand what Ayesha was saying. The analogy had to do as much with her life situation as mine. But I always harbored a hope that one day we would meet, fall into each other’s arms like fast friends do, and enjoy each other’s company. If only for a day.

I realize that’s “hopeless romantic” type of crap, but that’s me. That’s who I am.

I feel myself growing more jaded and sad with life. That’s not me. That’s not who I aspire to be. Yet, this IS part of who I am. To deny these feelings would be a lie. I work hard these days to no longer lie to myself. So I fondly recall how special Ayesha makes me feel. Yes, I have all her writings (obviously because I’ve written that book…). I may look over them at any time and feel loved by someone who only knew one thing about me – my heart.

She never saw my idiosyncrasies which might drive her crazy. My habits, good and bad. Ayesha tuned into my heart through my writing like no one else ever has. She not only read my work, she not only took interest in it, she would tell me when my words made her laugh and cry and think. She walked my heart through my writings. She tuned in to me and set up residence in my soul. She has free access and she never abused that. She was always kind. I suppose, like she would say, this is the highest relationship we could ever have. But I would/will fly to Europe to see her if she ever offered/offers.

Again, I’m off track. Easy to do inside my heart when it comes to Ayesha. I have always felt I’ve stumbled through life in such an amazingly awkward manner. I’ve missed so many opportunities due to my penchant for not taking the beaten path. I truly have few regrets. Just a couple biggies. One is losing touch with Ayesha. The other is ever meeting my ex, but that’s something I’ve dealt with and I’m good with now.

We truly do need to make the most of our days. We live our lives like we have forever. We should be more aware of our own personal needs and take care of ourselves better. No one is coming to save you from yourself. This won’t happen. That’s up to you. Keep your friends close. Do what it takes to keep in touch with those whom you love.

Ah. Online dating. I’m calling that quits here soon. I am far too busy for random women to attempt to fit into my extremely busy life. If I meet someone, she will likely be connected to something I am doing and will easily step into a rhythm with me and I will adjust my rhythm with hers. We’ll dance.

Or we won’t. I think it’s unfair of me to expect a woman to desire to join with my hectic life. It’s also unfair for me to expect that Ayesha has the ability and freedom to stay connected to me. We come from two very different worlds, but this I know, we are kindred spirits. Not meeting her in my life will be a sadness I will carry with me to my grave. But like the Grecian Urn, I will also carry her love for me and mine for her there as well. In the end, it all works, doesn’t it?

We really have little choice other than to keep our loved ones in our hearts and in our lives each day.

Random thoughts on this evening of decadent rhythms blaring at the skating rink where my daughters are having a blast. Typically this is where I would create some sort of poetic writing. I don’t know that I still possess the ability to go there. I suppose I do. Ayesha stated she loved my poetry raw and off the cuff. Let’s give it a whirl…

Answers

Time circles
Love spirals
Passion waxes and wanes
Life sparks of insane emotions firing off in so many directions

Answers exist only by our definitions despite what others will tell you
Answers become what you make them
When you look to someone else for the “correct” answer key, you no longer live YOUR life
Death creeps up behind us all

Time repeats itself
Like a bad student
We don’t listen
We drown our reality with distraction until time and death dance ever close and we feel the brush of their aura

Love twists and turns
Like the darkened tubular waterslides where we’re jerked in directions we cannot see or fathom
We know where we splash down in the end
The ride is exhilarating and at point frightening beyond understanding

Passion
Ah, passion
Do others kill it? Time? Age? Boredom?
Or do we do the deed ourselves, by our own hands, our own hearts, our own damage, our own inability to rise above complacency

Life.
Snatching and grasping throughout our days.
Relying on others for answers each of us must find on our own, or not
For we came into this world alone, we exit alone.

Answers remain ours for the making
Answers demand nothing
Answers wait on us to embrace them
Whether they stand as right or wrong rests with our interpretation.

Live your life
Love your life
Cherish your life
Embrace your life