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I write so many pieces which never make it into the digital world of publication. On this site alone I have 105 “drafts” on which I never pulled the trigger. This one grabbed my attention because of the title. I wish I’d made notes on the “germ” of the creative muse whence sprung forth the writing. I know who, but this was written nearly four months before the annihilation.

Nonetheless, there’s something here with which I still connect…

I Cry Myself Awake

I cry myself awake
Darkness enfolds my soul
A cold blanket which threatens existence
Distant memories of love falling from my grasp as I float aimlessly into space

I cry myself awake
Unlike all those hundreds of mornings
Days begun with hope, with wonder
Fascination with all the good life may offer

I cry myself awake
Because crying myself asleep only brings darker dreams
Dreams – the torturers of the soul with their promise
Wickedly turning to nightmares

I cry myself awake
Sobs wrack the foundations of my heart
A free-fall desolation left in their wake
No true place for the last years to reside

I cry myself awake…
Hello sadness my old friend
You’ve come to meet with me again
In my silence, I feel hollow as I weep
I feel the inevitable pain quietly seep
My heart is stabbed in its flesh by a dream gone sadly wrong
This ends our song
Which leaves nothing but the pain
Of loneliness

I cry myself awake
When the lure of hope explodes into dust
Hope, that cruelest of perpetual mirages
Serves only to amplify heartbreak

I cry myself awake
Confused as to where I go from here
No resolution available to my heart
No hand to assuage my bleeding soul
No hope for tomorrow’s dreams
Bleak. Heartless.

I cry myself awake
Writing as I once did
Knowing there is no cure for this
Knowing there is no peace to be won
Knowing I have nothing left me but the path of “move on”

I cry myself awake
Because the love I thought would save me
Cruelly becomes the knife which threatens my destruction
And the pain stems from my inability to equate the love I feel
With the loneliness tsunami I die beneath

I cry myself awake
In the knowledge that love has no true mate
That simply because I can offer my heart and soul
Means jack shit

I cry myself awake
Anger wells up
Directed my way for selling myself a bill of goods once again
That simply did not exist

I cry myself awake
Unable to be angry with the one I love
Angry at the one I love because I made up a scenario of happily-ever-after
Now I’m destroyed by my own heart once again
How do I pick up the pieces when they’re nothing but a vapor?
How do I breathe?
How do I even care about who I am and what I am and how I am
When everything which meant something dies within?

I cry myself awake
knowing nothing
Desperate not to feel
Frantic to pass this pain from me
knowing there will come no cavalry

I now cry myself awake
When once I woke with such hope
I woke with anticipation for a new day
I woke with her in my heart, my soul, my existence
What a fucking fool

I cry myself awake because there is no refuge in dreams…